Oh sweet Jesus. I’m rubbing my eyes over and over but she’s still right there. How the hell can I get out of this. I’m wondering what a kidney stone feel like, cause I’m convinced I’m passing one right now through the baby-maker. If not, how do I fake it — do I scream like I’m in horrific pain or just double over and act deaf & paralyzed? Hell, it’s not like she would know the difference anyway. Better yet, I bet there’s an app that will let me stare at my phone and make it ring. Seriously, how is nobody calling me right now? That mother rings 47 times a day, but suddenly all is right in the world right now? I pretend I didn’t hear her, but given she’s only 18 God damn inches away now and staring at me with that mixed “please make me feel better” and “I want to smash your face in with a car battery right now” look; I know I’m very, very screwed.
The problem is there are zero good answers you can give to the “do I look fat?” question. Only degrees of less horrible answers. Good chance that each word that comes out of your mouth is equal to 1 week of no sex. Even though you say something sweet and honest like, “no way babe!” — all your wife can think in her head is “CHEATER! I’M GOING TO CUT YOUR BALLS OFF AND FEED THEM TO THE DOG. HAHAHAHA” But you know what, given the circumstances you did okay with that response. It’s only a 3 week death sentence. Now, if you were to actually say something indifferent like “umm no, I guess not”, well enjoy the hand party you just signed up for idiot. And if you actually said something like “well hon, it does look like you have about 6 pairs of jeans on right now” then no doubt you pretty much just turned your bed into a murder scene.
But wait a minute. What in the hell is wrong with you chicks? I absolutely applaud you for wanting to look good and stay skinny. You should. One Kirstey Alley grazing the US is one too many. But a message to all you single digit sizes: unless you’re 4′2″, you’re probably doing okay, so chill the fuck out on “the jiggle.”
I’ll let you gals in on a few secrets. Please memorize them, laminate them on a card, write them in lipstick on the mirror you’re punching right now, or put them on flashcards. Take a minute to decide.
Secret #1: Get ready for this. Here goes — guys do not like the 89lb look. It’s creepy and feels illegal. No guy (that’s not on the Megan’s Law site) wants to feel like he’s with a 14 year old Kenyan boy.
Secret #2: We look at your face and think “son of a bitch she’s sexy.” You look at your own face wondering how you caught the Down Syndrome. You look at your own ass and see jiggle. Your guy looks at your ass and sees a “Vacancy” sign. No joke. Again, your view of things is totally fucked up.
Secret #3: Here’s one that none of you mirror-starved nutjobs seem to get. If you’re in your 20’s or 30’s, and your reasonably thin, taking care of yourself, and somewhat active, then enjoy the fact that you look damn good and your husband/boyfriend honestly thinks you’re hot. So do the Mexican gardeners raking leaves at the bank, and as we’re all aware they gotta be the toughest graders on the planet. So enjoy the hell out of it, because you rarely hear dudes gabbing about how hot a 54 year old is. You’re in hottie prime, please enjoy it before it’s gone. That last sentence goes on the flashcard.
Secret #4: Rate yourself right now on a hottie scale of 1-10. Now add +2 to your number. That’s what your husband/boyfriend and most guys see you as. If you gave yourself a 6, you’re probably an 8. [Now, if you gave yourself a 2, then it does mean you're still only a 4 -- and let's be honest if you're a 4 then there's a good amount of work to do right now. There's no pause button on the calendar honey, you and I both know you should be knee deep in sweat and vomit on a treadmill right about now. You can finish reading this at the gym.]
Secret #5: Be more stripper-like. I don’t mean change your name to Jade and start smelling like strawberries. But, guys like strippers because strippers are confident in their bodies. She has some jiggle or other imperfections, but the stripper knows she’s hot (or pretends to) and radiates that confidence. The stripper is not a size 0 and you do not need to be either. Get your flashcard out at write the following: size zero bad, acting like a stripper good. No stripper has ever been hanging upside down on a pole and asked if her G-string makes her ass look big. [I actually just changed my mind on the strawberries. While you're messing around with $100 perfumes and expensive lotions, I guarantee you the retard on the other side of the bed is 100% aroused by the $3.99 "Strawberry Daiquiri" lotion in the clearance bin over at CVS. Just go get it.]
So, hopefully I gave you some useful tools and advice to consider the next time you’re wrestling the mirror to the ground. You don’t look fat. Just enjoy how ridiculous you look because there will absolutely come a day when you wish you had the body you have now (see #3). I assure you, if you were a dude you would want to do you. 40,000 Mexican landscapers can’t be wrong.
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